


his fingertips so touchable

by zaynfreakingmalik



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Child Abuse, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Sexual Abuse, UFOs, a beautiful movie with the beautiful joseph gordan levitt, but liam/zayn are totally end game, mainly bromances, this was based off mysterious skin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-09
Updated: 2013-04-25
Packaged: 2017-12-04 18:20:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/713633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaynfreakingmalik/pseuds/zaynfreakingmalik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Liam was 8 years old, he lost 5 hours of his life.<br/>Five whole hours.<br/>Now he's determined to find out what happened, and why he keeps seeing this mysterious dark skinned, leather jacket wearing boy everywhere he goes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this has a lot of warnings. I know it sounds really really weird, but give it a chance. The movie Mysterious Skin is absolutely beautiful and haunting, JGL's performance was outstanding and it is a must watch. After seeing it myself i could see all of the boys as characters themselves- and thus began the writing.

**_ liam _ **

  
When Liam was 8 years old, he lost 5 hours of his life.

  
Five whole hours.

  
He lived in a small town, just off of Bradford- it was slightly a hickey town, where most people knew most people and rumours spread like wild fire.

  
Liam remembered his older sister, Ruth, pushed open the door to the attic, and found him crouched in the darkness, nose bleeding.

"Leeyum what the bloods in hell do you think you're doin'?" She had asked toothily, a grin on her face. She squinted and took a small step closer to the boy when he made no movement, just sat there- shivering and unblinking in his soccer uniform.

"Liam?" She had asked hesitantly. She had picked him up and dusted him off and shoved a wad of tissues up his nose, then forced Liam to play dolls with her.  
When his mum came home she fussed over Liam insistently- kissing his cheeks and checking the rest of his body for bruises or blood. Nothing else was found. When Liam's dad came home he merely sighed, not taking any notice of Liam's mother screaming about how she 'told him it was a dangerous sport and he'd get hurt!’  
His father didn't even blink, just shook his head at the young boy, disappointed.

"Never once did i think I’d raise a quitter".

That was when it all began for Liam Payne. The nosebleeds, the wetting of the bed, the blackouts, the nightmares in which there was a familiar boy with him and something stroking his face.

That was the beginning.

 

  
**_ zayn _ **

  
When Zayn was 7 he hated playing soccer, almost as much as his mum hated taking him, when she'd rather be earning money or out on dates. They weren't the richest ones out, so all the money they could make, they had to take. But Zayn's mum was a good one, and she took him to soccer and bought him the uniform and the cleats and Zayn didn't want to disappoint her, or quit after she had spent all that money. So he didn't. The coach's name was Brad, and according to Zayn, he had a funny moustache and always stayed behind with him after practices to help him improve his dribbling skills. Zayn's mum grew fond of him, and he grew fond of Zayn. He was fantastic with the boy- always giving him sugary sweets, or extra tips, or goofy faces. It was clear that Zayn was his favourite, and Zayn's mum appreciated whenever Brad would offer to drive Zayn to or from games, or to hang out after. She couldn't afford a babysitter and Zayn was 'too young' according to her. Which he often told her, was ridiculous.

Zayn learned he was gay the moment when he caught his mum sneaking in with her newest boy, the two barely noticed Zayn, and she seemed into it, whilst Zayn seemed into him.

When he turned 9, Zayn met Niall Horan. He was carefree and although it's not like Zayn 'fell in love with him or anything dumb like that', but he was Zayn's perfect partner in crime.

* * *

  
  
Zayn had always thought Halloween was dumb. But Niall loved it, with his blonde hair and little cheeks; he managed to get extra candy, whereas everybody saw Zayn as the moody, gloomy boy who had a dark sense of humour.  
Zayn pulled him along, towards the park- it was nearing 8 pm and the dark skinned boy was bored of hearing shrieks and yells of laughter. As the pair pushed past, Zayn saw a boy walking in the opposite direction. His eyes connected with Zayn's and he felt himself pause. He was about Zayn's age, he had soft looking brown long hair that looked like he couldn't afford a haircut and he was wearing glasses too big for his face.

Zayn looked away.

"D'you know 'im or somethin?" Niall asked, looking over at the boy as we passed him. Zayn didn't spare him another look as he shook my head in response. Up ahead there was a boy who was looking through his candy bag, looking like he had lost something.

"Let's go kidnap him" Zayn told Niall straight away.

"Wha-" His mouth was already full with candy apple, his eyes wide with shock, but Zayn had already moved forward to the boy- also about 9 years old, max.

"Lost something? We can help." Zayn proposes loudly, not waiting for an answer as he dragged him off with him, leaving Niall with no choice but to follow.

"Get on the fuckin' ground or I’ll fuckin kill you, goddit?" Zayn snapped, pushing the lost looking boy to his knee's at the clearing. There were distant noises of traffic and laughter, but nobody too close.

"Wh- what are you's two doing?" The boy asked, frightened. His hair was much like the other boys, brown and floppy and long and Zayn felt a small buzz around his body.

"What're you doing?" Niall gasped, having finally swallowed his apple. Zayn ignored both of them rifling through his pockets til he found what he desired.  
Fireworks.

"Open your fuckin' mouth" Zayn demanded to the boy, whose mouth fell open in fear, his eyes glistening. Zayn placed the fireworks in it.

"If you spit 'em out I’ll fucking kill you, you hear?" Zayn commanded, he pulled out his lighter, the boy letting out whimpers but not disobeying Zayn.

"Zayn, Zayn what're you doing?" Niall sounded panicked now as Zayn lit the fireworks in the boy's mouth, grinning as he took a step back. The boy was letting out muffled cries when the fireworks exploded brightly, Zayn blinked happily at the bright colours.

"Zayn!" Niall cried out, crouching down on the ground beside the boy. "Zayn we needa get 'im to a hospital or somethin!"   
Zayn looked over, where the little boy was lying still, his eyes blinking. Blood and cuts covered his face. Bits of firework and plastic stuck in it.

"He'll be fine" Zayn said, absent mindedly. The boy was crying now and Niall was desperately trying to do something. Zayn sighed and also crouched down beside the boy, one hand landing on the boy's upper thigh then trailing upwards.

"I'll make him feel better, don't worry Ni" Zayn grinned, he looked down at the boy who's eyes were wide and scared. "You're gonna feel real good alright?" Zayn asked, rubbing his hand over the boy's fly.

"Trust me, I learned from the best."

 

  
**_ liam _ **

Halloween scared Liam. It was all bright lights and loud noises and he had only just turned 9 and Ruth had taken him with her. After the incident all Liam would do is sit in his room, or come out whenever there was a documentary or anything related to Aliens on the television.

"Thesssse were the victimsssss eyessss" A vampire informs the pair of them inside the scary house, just near the local park. Ruth is laughing and screaming and Liam is mute, just standing there. Not moving. Ruth sighs and they finally leave.  
As they cross over to get back to their house Liam slows down as he makes eye contact with a dark skinned and haired boy with piercing eyes. He has a clenched jaw and Liam-

Liam's dimly aware that his nose is bleeding, he can taste the copper of it in his mouth and he blinks, long and slow.

"Come on then, if you're gonna ruin my night, at least do it quickly, yeah?" Ruth ordered.

 

  
**_ zayn _ **

"Apparently there's this park down by Huntington that people go to" Niall grins at Zayn as he sits down on the bench next to the smoking boy. Zayn puffs out a ring of smoke, not tearing his eyes away from the sky.

"Alright" He shrugs, non committed

"Nah man, they say it's where you go when you wanna, you know, like. Pay." Niall waggles his eyebrows and starts laughing loudly. At 15 years of age, it would be hard to suspect that anything had changed since being younger with the blonde.  
Zayn pauses mid inhale, his mind reeling as he thinks, a slow, lazy smirk flitting across his face.

* * *

 

Later that day, after Niall goes back for supper and Zayn knows his mum is still at work- for the first time, he makes his way to the park over by Huntington. He sits on the seesaw, the entire park is dry and deserted and silent. Zayn's barely waiting ten minutes before a white Ute pulls up. A forty something year old man who's unshaven, a bit overweight yet in a suit gestures for Zayn to come closer. Sliding off the seesaw, Zayn obeys.

"Hey" He says casually, unsurely.

"Hello" The man replies pleasantly, obviously checking him out. "I'll spend fifty. Nothing more."  
Zayn barely thinks it over in his head before nodding.

"Yeah... Alright."

 

  
**_ liam _ **

****__  
  


"Muuuum!" Liam calls out from where he's perched on the worn out lounge set. There's the sound of the fly screen door slamming shut, his mum blowing out a tired sigh.

"It started?" She asks. 

"'s about to" Liam gestured to the television that was on, his mum grabbed two bottle of beer from the fridge, which Liam politely declines, pushing the rim of his oversized glasses up the bridge of his nose. He feels the weight of her sitting down beside him, just as the screen goes temporarily black. It starts up, the words 'Unreal UFO sightings!' scrawled on the screen. Liam leans forward eagerly. His mum lets out a small snort.

"If you're gonna make fun of it then i can watch it myself, mum" Liam says slightly pointedly. She pats him on the knee, miming zipping her lips and settles back on the couch, still looking slightly amused by the show.

" _I was like, 9 and that's when it started. There were blackouts and moments where I’d wake up and be confused. For a while i didn't know anything. Like. I couldn't remember anything. But then bits and piece came back to me and._ " The boy on screen shrugs, his brown curls slightly bouncing as he does so. His voice is deep and comforting, and he talks slow but sure of himself as he gestures to the camera. " _And i knew i had been abducted, more than once in my life. I remembered shapes and things prodding at me and touching my skin. And then i saw their eyes and it was all- just. Black. Like goo. I was just so shocked"_ The camera cuts to a different scene and Liam's mum rolls her eyes.

"I tried to share interests with you, darling, i really did, but this-" Liam's squinted at the name as the boy came back on the screen. "Harry styles seems very unrealistic at the moment." Liam gives her an irritated look, trying to listen to what the boy is saying now as his mum pats him on the knee once more before hoisting herself up from the couch.

"Oh and by the way- your dad called again for you. Aren't you gonna ring him back?" She sounded concerned.  
Liam hesitated briefly. "I-When I’m not busy" He lied, hearing his mother let out a final sigh as the fly screen door slammed shut behind her.

 

  
**_ niall _ **

 

"This town's shit. I've fucked practically every low life here. At least twice. Except that guy, in the dirty piece of shit car over there." Zayn nods his head over to across Huntington Park, where a car is parked across from where he and Niall sit in Louis' car. Both turn to look at that man, Louis pulling a small face because that man looks grimy and sleazy. Niall just shakes his head, falling back into where he's sitting in the backseat.

"Fuck off then ye cunt" He grumbles, pulling a cigarette from his pocket. Zayn flashes him a grin.

"Do uh; do you want a lift back? When you're done?" Louis asks, unable to keep the hopeful tone out of his voice. Zayn spits out from his open window, barely sparing Louis a glance.

"If ya want" and just like that Zayn is off, across the park clad in his tight jeans and baggy singlet that reveals his collarbones.

"Stop lookin at him like that" Niall says from the back seat, sounding tired. Louis' head whips back to the steering wheel, pretending he hadn't been doing anything.

"Trust me, ye don't want t'go down that road." 

"But he's just. I mean. He's beautiful. I've never met anybody else like him" Louis bites his lip as he watches Zayn drape his body against his new customer’s car.

"I know. Trust me; i used to think of him like that. And I’m gonna be in London soon, yeah? You gotta make sure nothing happens between you two. 'M being serious, Lou. You're a good guy. I've known Zayn my entire life, i know all his secrets. And where everyone has a heart- Zayn Javaad Malik has a black, deep hole." Niall puts out his cigarette lazily.

"And if you're not careful, then you're gonna get sucked up into it".

 

  
**_ liam _ **

_'Dear Harry._   
_You do not know me-'_

Liam pauses, his pencil still touching the paper lightly, chewing the inside of his cheek as he tries to think. After watching the documentary, over and over again. Having recorded it for safe keeping- Liam is unable to keep Harry's words from his brain. He lost chunks of time, had blackouts. Nightmares and 'dreams' where there were figures, slimy and disgusting.  
Liam doesn't know how to start the letter.  
He's only 15 and he's never been good with words or talking. He has no friends at school and whilst he used to get picked on a lot, everybody soon got bored of him and his dumb ass nosebleeds before anybody could even touch him.

  
Liam sighed, long, looking down at the floor by his desk, littered with scrunched up paper, saying stuff along basically the same lines. Frustration like never before sets into Liam's skin. He gazes down at the paper once more. He needs this Harry boy to write him back. He has this cold, incessant need. He needs to know what's happening to him.  
He swallows, pushing his pencil back down on the paper harder than before, reading his previous line.

_'Dear Harry._   
_You do not know me'_

Liam hesitates before finally scrawling a sliver more, feeling only slightly more satisfied.

_'But soon you will.'_

 

  
**_ louis _ **

"I'm gonna miss you, you little Irish bastard" Louis is grinning, but he can feel the tears in his eyes. Niall chortles, gazing over Louis' shoulder where Zayn is standing silently, puffing out smoke from his cigarette. Louis sighs softly, turning back to Niall.

"Make sure you write, alright?" Louis makes him swear. He's become quite fond of Niall, his simple humour and simple life. Unlike some people Louis knew, Niall lived a much uncomplicated life.

"It's only London, not the bloody war" Niall laughs, Louis hits him, rolling his eyes. They both turn to Zayn, overhead a speaker coming to life, talking about how the one-way train to London will be leaving in 5 minutes from platform 6. Zayn still doesn't say anything. Niall looks like he wants to roll his eyes, stepping forward and dropping his bags as he hugs Zayn. Zayn doesn't hug back, he never does.

"Don't be an arse hole, alright?" Niall says gruffly, and when Zayn closes his eyes briefly into the hold, Louis catches sight of a small tear drawing down his cheek. Louis smiled sadly as Niall pulls back.

"And yer better fucken' write t'me too, Malik." Niall orders, picking up his bags once more, before turning to give Louis one final look and words.

"Remember what i said, Tommo" and then he's walking towards the train, the beginning hustle and bustle of getting onto the train having died down. Niall manages to pull himself into an empty looking carriage happily and Louis feels tears sting his eyes as Niall looks out from the train window, grinning widely. Even Zayn is smiling slightly- sniffling every now and again.  
And then the train hoots and begins to move, and Louis almost wants to run after it. To tell Niall to come back because what if Zayn doesn't even want to be around Louis without Niall? This is proved wrong however as soon as Niall's train disappears through the tunnel and Zayn lazily swings an arm over Louis' shoulders.

"Come on then. Let's go get pissed'.

 

  
**_ liam _ **

  
"Liam, this came in for you. A letter from your dad- haven't you called him back yet? - And one from a person named.... Harry?" Liam's mum asks, confused. Liam immediately perks up at the sound of Harry's name.

He wrote back. Harry wrote back. He grabs for the envelope, tearing it open with excitement.

"Who's Harry?" Liam's mum frowns slightly. Liam doesn't look up from the letter, his eyes skimming it as he mumbles out a,

"From the documentary." His mother's eyebrows shoot up but instead of continuing her interrogation she merely sighs.

"What's he sayin then?"  
Liam's mouth goes dry as he reads over the last sentence, blinking rapidly before gazing up at his mother who looks curious but wary.

"He wants me to come visit him."

 

  
**_ louis _ **

  
The pair of boys struggle inside Zayn's empty house. ("Mum'll be working, you can crash with me"). The pair is both giggling over who knows what and Zayn trips and falls to the ground. Louis helps hoist him back to his feet, his cheeks red with laughter and alcohol.

"My heads fucking killing me." Louis moans, "Tell me you got aspirin?" He begs Zayn, who thinks it over for a second before nodding, gesturing to the small, creaky stairs.  
"Yeah- c’mon." 

  
Zayn's room is just like Zayn. It's crowded and messy and busy, Louis doesn't know what to look at first as Zayn falls face first onto his bed, looking exhausted, wincing slightly.

"You alright?" Louis asks, furrowing his eyebrows. Zayn doesn't open his eyes, just laughs.

"Yeah, one guy, i swear, tried to like bite off my dick today."

Louis inwardly sighs sadly.  
"You should be careful. Probably wouldn't wanna lose that" Zayn laughs louder at Lou's words.

  
Since Louis has known Zayn- Zayn has sold his body. The strangest thing being the way he does it proudly- boasting about it. It's always been peculiar of course, but Louis entered their group later, and by then Zayn selling his body was already normal enough for Niall and Louis didn't want to draw attention to it. Of course, Louis had always wondered why somebody so young, and somebody who hadn't even done much of life yet, had already succumbed to just having sex with strangers for money.

"Aspirin should be in that drawer." Zayn points vaguely, and blindly, to a set of drawers on the opposite side of his bed. Louis gets up, pulling open the drawer and downing three aspirins dryly. He goes to push the bottle back into place when he sees something poking out from the drawer above it. Whatever it is, it's been pushed to the back of the first drawer, and is thin enough to get through the tiny crack, revealing itself barely to Louis as he pushes the second drawer shut and gently pulls the first one open.  
One gaze over his shoulder and Louis knows Zayn is already asleep. Whenever Zayn gets drunk he usually gets knocked out pretty quickly.  
Louis blindly reaches to the very back of the drawer, grabbing at numerous slips of paper and finding the one stuck between the two drawers. He unhedged it, pulling it out as well as his arm, from the drawer.

Louis is acutely aware of the silence in the room.

He stares.

  
He swallows thickly then rummages in the stiff drawer once more, reaching for more of the small slips of paper. They're glossy however, revealing to be pictures. When Louis pulls them out the drawer as well, he feels bile rise to his throat.

  
They are all pictures, unmistakeably of Zayn when he was younger. His eyes not as sunken in or dark yet, stubble not surrounding his chin. He can't be older than 8. In the photos, Zayn is shirtless and a few seem like fun photos- just Zayn messing around, but the more Louis looks the more he sees how somebody has orchestrated these photos to look dirty and sexual, ruining the innocence of the boy. In one photo Zayn's cheeks are hollowed. In another, there is a finger in his mouth as Zayn sucks his way down it. Louis looks away, pushing the photos back to the depths of the drawer. This time his hand hits a cassette case. 

  
Louis knows he shouldn't. His mother always did say that curiosity was a sin, but he cannot stop himself from pulling the tape out of the drawer.

  
He spares one quicker look to Zayn who's still sleeping peacefully. He pushes the tape inside Zayn's small walkman, left over from years ago. He's slipped on the headphones by the time he clicks play.

At first it's just static and Louis almost wants to laugh from relief. Then dread fills him when he hears a voice.

_"You liked that didn't you Zayn?"_ There's the slightly shuffle and noise of crying in the background. _"_

_It's okay. Say it Zayn, come on. Say you liked It."_ the tape cuts off; when it cuts back in Zayn's childlike laughter is filling Louis' ears. Louis places his head on the drawer, the cool wood helping to level him slightly.

_"Can we do it again?"_ The man asks. Zayn is bubbling with excitement.

  
_"Yes! But can we put the sheets over us again?"_

  
Louis' had enough. He feels like there's a pressure on his chest- like he can't breathe. He pushes the tape and walkman back into the drawer and pushes the entire drawer shut with his shaking hand. He closes his eyes briefly, before gazing back over at Zayn- feeling sadness sweep over him like the plague.

 

  
**_liam_ **

  
As it turns out, the documentary was based on and around places in London. Harry Styles, aged 17, lives about a thirty minute drive away from Liam. It doesn't take much for him to just lie to his mother and say he's going to the library. He feels bad about it, but she's always worrying and stressing herself out. Liam once heard his father yelling at her after 'the incident' that it was like his mum was married to Liam, not his father.

  
That had been one of the last times Liam had ever seen his dad, Ruth had long since moved out- to live with her boyfriend in London.

  
As Liam's truck screeches to an unsteady halt- curly hair is already heading towards Liam, a beam on Harry's face as he greets him.

"You must be Liam! I'm Harry! Well, obviously." He grins. Liam lets out an awkward laugh, shaking Harry's hand.

"C'mon. I'll give you a quick show 'round?" Harry gestures to Liam to follow. Harry lives, to be frank, in the middle of nowhere. There are few neighbours near him; his entire land is like a farm. Dry and slightly hotter than Liam's used to. Covered in Hay and smelling of animal fur.  
Harry's leading him out the back bit, whistling slightly as he goes.

"So. Liam what's brought you here?" Harry's voice is more serious now, slowly talking as if to make sure Liam doesn't miss a word.

"I- well i mean. I saw you. Talking about the Aliens and. I think it happened to me too." Liam blushes slightly. Harry is gazing at him for a beat, as if making sure he's serious before nodding.

"You mentioned that in your letter. What makes you think that, Liam? If you don't mind me asking?" 

"Well you mentioned blackouts. Not remembering what’s happened or how you got to certain places? I've been feeling that way since i was about 7." Liam swallows. "Since then. I've had nightmares- never anything i can particularly remember, so i started writing a journal. I kept track of every dream i had. As soon as I’d wake up I’d scribble some of what i could remember."

  
"That's good! That's very helpful to helping you remember. To piece stuff back" Harry's genuinely enthusiastic about this.  
"Yeah, it's just. It's just scribbles though. It’s always pretty repetitive with the dreams".

"Can i hear some of it?" Harry asks in his slow tone. Liam hesitates slightly, before nodding.

"It doesn't make much sense." He explains. "What I’ve pieced together so far though is that- in my dream, I’m lying down. And there’s a bright light in my face and somebody touching down my face. And- and then a figure appears in the light and as it moves closer i can see it's a boy. A boy I’ve seen before. I just, i don't know where" Liam stresses, shaking his head. Harry stops walking, pulling Liam to a stop as well, his face serious as he eyes Liam for a long second before opening his mouth, as well as his talking, he does this motion slowly. Deliberately.

"Maybe this boy is the key to finding out more." 

 

  
**_ zayn _ **

  
"Do me a favour"

  
"Your train is leaving in like, 10 minutes."

 

"I know. Lou, will you just do me this favour?"

  
"Your mums waiting for you!"

  
"Louis, god damn it, please!"

It's this last please, and slight wail of despair that does it for Louis. He blinks down, from where he'd spent the last five minutes in the deserted bathroom at the train station with Zayn, averting his eyes from where Zayn had pulled out his cock in hand.

  
Zayn gives him a slight puppy dog look and inwardly cheers when Louis sighs and gets on his knee's inspecting Zayn's cock with a bright blush colouring his cheeks. He bites his lip, Zayn bounces restlessly. Finally Louis draws up to his full length, looking slightly disgusted and unsure.

  
"You said it's itchy?" He asks, slowly. Zayn makes an impatient noise of agreement,

  
"And you don't use protection?" Zayn makes another noise of agreement.

  
He sense Louis' hesitance and stares at him long and hard. Louis winces,

  
"Um. Zayn, i- i think you've got crabs."

  
Zayn feels his face fall blank.

  
"It's not a big deal! Just go to the pharmacy when you get to London and have seen Niall, it should clear up" Louis quickly adds.

  
Zayn's heart thuds in his chest and he pulls up his trousers just as his mother slams the boy’s bathroom door open.

"Zayn! You'll be late!" She cries out, her eyes red rimmed and swollen from crying. She steps closer to Zayn and Louis steps further away, to allow the two some privacy.

"My baby! All grown up." She lets out a small sob, smiling as tears trail down her cheeks. Zayn's face stays impassive as his mother hugs him tightly to her. As usual, his arms don't move to hug him back. He inhales the familiar smell of his mother's shampoo she's used for the past ten years at least and memories and déjà vu hit him and he feels his toes curl.  
He blinks and pulls away, not looking at them.

"I should go. Take care of yourself." Zayn's eyes land on Louis. "Both of you."

"Only if you promise to write." Louis says cheekily, causing Zayn's mother to let out a watery laugh. Zayn rolls his eyes, looking amused however.

And then before he knows it, he's sitting across from a man in a business suit who's eyeing Zayn hungrily. He cocks his head to the side, gesturing where the train’s small bathrooms are located. Zayn gazes out the window, only just able to make out Louis' bright red trousers as the train whips around the corner.

With a small sigh, Zayn stands up, giving a discreet nod to the man as he walks to the bathroom.

 


	2. part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There" Liam says suddenly, pointing to the screen where a dark haired and skinned boy stands also in the second row. 
> 
> His hair is cut in a bowl cut, a wide, cheeky grin on his face. 
> 
> That's the boy. 
> 
> That's the one Liam keeps dreaming about. 
> 
> Harry chews the inside of his cheek, scrolling down past the group shot to the individuals. He lands on the boy and flicks his eyes up to Liam as Liam pushes impossibly closer to the screen.
> 
> "That's him" Liam says once more, confirming it, reading the name printed underneath in small letters. "Zayn Malik."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is really short because i wanted to save the best bit for last and not rush it (: again i starve for feedback :*

**_harry_**  
   
   
 Harry races to inside the small rickety house; his mother is leaning over the small island in the kitchen, taking a drag of her cigarette. She eyes Harry but doesn't say anything as he grabs for the phone, dialling Liam's number.  
   
 "Hello?" It's a woman, she sounds friendly enough.  
   
 "Hi, sorry to call so late and be a bother but I was wondering if Liam was there?"  
   
 "Who's calling?" The woman asks, movement sounding from behind her.  
   
 "Harry. Styles." Harry quickly adds, his heart leaping wildly in his chest. There's a pause in the line and when she talks this time, the difference in her tone is obvious.  
   
 "Liam is eating his supper." She states coldly, just as there's a click on the line.  
   
 "MUM! I got it, it's fine!" Liam's voice sounds, causing Harry to grin. His mum sighs but there's another click on the line- Harry guesses she's hung up.  
   
 "Harry!" Liam exclaims, excitedly.  
   
 "Liam, hey, look- I have to show you something. Like, right away. Do you think you could come down to the farm? I know it's a bit late but you really have to see this."  
   
 There's a pause as Liam thinks it over, "Sure yeah, I- I’ll come now." he sounds breathless and excited and he hangs up without another word.  
   
 Harry swallows hard, closing his eyes. Now all he had to do was wait.

* * *

  
 As soon as Liam arrives, in his beat up truck, Harry's already standing outside, hushing Liam slightly.  
   
 "Don't wanna wake mum up" He explains, flashing Liam a small smile before beginning to walk, squinting in the darkness as the pair walk around the house, getting to the back yard without too many incidents.  
   
 "What're we doing here?" Liam asks, in a hushed tone- yet he makes no move to leave. Harry gives him a small look over his shoulder.  
   
 "I told you. I wanna show you something. It's a bit up ahead- you alright?" Harry adds, making sure Liam isn't too tired from the walk so far. It's a tough terrain to walk.  
   
 "Yeah, yeah of course" Liam nods resolutely. Harry shows them to a clearing. In the middle of the field, and perfectly trimmed grass, is a heavy shadow. A body.  
   
 Liam stops walking but Harry just waves him forward.  
   
 "Look!" He hisses, the moonlight hitting his eyes as he stares at the body.  
   
 It's not human. It's a cow's carcass. Harry decided it looked peaceful like that. It's eyes closed, as if it had felt no pain.  
   
 "My mum says its probably just devil worshippers that killed the poor thing. But there haven't been slaughters in this area in years, yet less then ten hours after you show up, so does this? It seems like a coincidence to me." Harry frowns down at the cow, crouching to its height, tilting his head to match the cows.  
   
 "Give me your hand,” He quietly instructs Liam.  
   
 Liam's shaking, but he barely hesitates as he places his hand in Harry's. Harry guides it lower, to where the cow has been sliced open. "No blood. Not a single drop." Harry says, almost to himself, aware of Liam shivering in from the dark, cool night. Harry places Liam's hand inside the cow, where it's been cut open. Liam makes a small noise but doesn't pull away  
 "Feel that?" Harry says excitedly, letting go of Liam's hand. "They removed its sex organs!"  
   
   
  ** _liam_**  
   
   
 "They removed its sex organs!" Harry hushes in the quiet. The wind blows loudly in Liam's ear and he feels sick. His stomach is twisting and churning unpleasantly.  
   
 He blinks, his hand still inside the rotting animal. He moves it further inside. Feeling the squish and pull and walls of the animal. Liam clenches his jaw, feeling bile rise to the end of his throat. His vision is going fuzzy and when he closes his eyes momentarily-  
   
 He's lying on his back. This is familiar. In this dream he's always on his back. There’s the light in his eyes. Yet now its as if he's the dead cow, and somebody's stuck their hand, their slimy disgusting fingers up and up and up inside him and-  
   
  _"Liam!?_ " Harry' voice is panicked, shaking Liam's shoulders.  
   
 - And it _hurts_ , it hurts so much. When he tries to turn his head he's met with the young boy he always sees in his dreams, the familiar one with dark skin and beautiful eyes.  
   
  _"Don't move. It'll hurt less if you do"_ The boy whispers, he's wearing the same soccer uniform that Liam used to wear when he was younger. It's the first time the boy has spoken and Liam can feel his entire body buzzing and shaking and his head is spinning.  
   
 "Liam? Liam! Liam talk to me!" Harry's voice, for the first time in panicked. Liam feels a drop of something thick and metallic tasting in his mouth. His nose is bleeding again.  
   
 His eyes jerk open and looks in shocked fascination at how much further his arm has sunken into the dead animal. Harry is trying to pull him and when Liam glances down all he can see is red red red blood.  
   
 Harry gives Liam's one particularly hard pull and he releases his grip inside the cow, falling backwards, Harry falling on top of him. Both of them breathless and panting. Liam is barely aware of anything. His glasses are crooked on his face now and the visions of the sky as well as his blood have mixed together.  
   
 Sound returns back to Liam in a whoosh. As if he's just landed on an airplane strip. Harry is panting and saying Liam's name over and over again and Liam is suddenly aware that his mouth is moving, his throat sore and dry due to the cold wind.  
   
 "I- I- I-I- I-" Liam cannot control his mouth, or his words he's just saying it over and over again. He blinks slowly and closes his mouth. Letting out a loud breath of air.  
   
 "I saw him."

* * *

  
 "So you think he was on your pee wee soccer team?" Harry asks, his brow furrowed, still holding Liam's nose and his head back. Liam blinks widely, nodding once. Harry carefully and gently lets go of Liam's nose, inspecting it slightly.  
   
 "Have you always had nosebleeds?" Harry asks softly. Liam gingerly drops his head from where he's had it pushed up against the wall of Harry's bedroom. The bedroom is cramped and tiny, but it's covered in newspapers and pins, connecting UFO incidents to other incidents.  
   
 "Yeah. I mean. Ever since the incident." Liam says quietly. Harry nods slowly, thinking to himself before rucking his shirt up. His hipbones jut out and there's a trail of fine hair leading down, disappearing to under his belt. And then Liam sees it. It's a scar, not larger then a cigarette burn.  
   
 "After I was taken, I woke up and had this." Harry says even more slowly then usual. "I think they plant like. Like tracking devices in us or something,” He explains, meeting Liam’s eyes, which are wide with shock.  
   
 "They could be watching us right now." Harry says in a whisper, shuffling closer to his laptop. Liam doesn't like thinking about that. He doesn't want anybody watching him. He likes being incognito, a wallflower. "What was your soccer team called?" Harry asks now, squinting at the dull light from his old Dell laptop, biting at a thumbnail mindlessly.  
   
 "The panthers." Liam answers immediately. Harry starts clicking away on the keyboard. Liam's not sure what to do with him and instead tests out his nose- prodding it slightly.  
   
 He didn't tell Harry that he's never had a nose bleed that bad before. One that wouldn't stop and was thick and heavy.  
   
 "Is this it?" Harry cuts across Liam's thoughts, rotating the laptop to show Liam. Harry has pulled up the Panthers Pee Wee soccer team, then clicked on 'Past teams' where it shows collections of group photos of all the past teams, and then individual shots of each player below that. Liam squints but he can immediately see himself. Second row, next to the coach Brad, glasses taped together. Liam nods slowly, his eyes roaming the rest of the photo.  
   
 "There" Liam says suddenly, pointing to the screen where a dark haired and skinned boy stands also in the second row. His hair is cut in a bowl cut, a wide, cheeky grin on his face. That's the boy. That's the one Liam keeps dreaming about. Harry chews the inside of his cheek, scrolling down past the group shot to the individuals. He lands on the boy and flicks his eyes up to Liam as Liam pushes impossibly closer to the screen.  
 "That's him,” Liam says once more, confirming it, reading the name printed underneath in small letters.  
   
 "Zayn Malik."  
   
   
  ** _louis_**

  
   
 "Come on kid, I’ll even make you a cuppa" Zayn's mum invites, swinging her arm welcomingly over Louis' shoulders, pulling both of them away from the train station where they had spent the last five minutes looking after Zayn's lonce since gone train.  
   
 Louis grins up at Patricia Malik. She looks tired and worn around the edges just like Zayn always does. Yet she's always smiling, her friendly demeanour welcoming, unlike Zayn's cold and stiff one.  
   
 As Louis falls into the passenger seat of Patricia's old commodore, Patricia is sticking the keys into the ignition, pulling as a face as the engine stalls momentarily.  
   
 "So what're you going to do without Zaynie here?" Patricia asks, not unkindly, looking over her shoulder as she reverses slowly. Louis almost frowns. He'd never thought of that.  
   
 "Oh. Um. I guess I don't know. I'm starting at the local college soon though" Louis shrugged; Patricia shoots him a quick, warm smile.  
   
 "That's fantastic, Lou!" She beams, "Now I hope you know you can come over anytime you want, even without Zayn here." she seems to think over her words, before letting out a laugh, "In fact- do come over, whenever you're free- it'll be nice to still have a teenage boy under my roof" She lets out a small, wistful sigh.  
   
 "Of course Trish" Louis agrees easily, relaxing into the cushioned headrest of the car. It's easy to see just how much Patricia's only child means to her. Now that he's gone- Louis can only imagine the loneliness. He vows silently to himself to make sure to come see her as often as he can.  
   
 Just as they're turning up the small driveway to the Malik's house- Louis content with the thought of a nice cup of tea before heading home- a boy appears, looking awkward as he stands on the porch. The boy turns as he hears the car approach; the first thing Louis notices is that the boy has enormous glasses- almost as if the boy wants to hide behind them. The boy has brown, soft looking hair, which curls slightly at the bottom.  
   
 "What in the name..." Patricia says under her breath, looking as confused as Louis feels. Louis' never had seen this boy before, which is saying a lot seeing as their town is small, friendly. Known. Louis hops out of the car, frowning at the boy slightly that's pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and clutching a few papers to him as if his life depends on it.  
   
 "We're not buying, sorry love" Patricia calls over from where she's locking the car. The boy blinks in genuine confusion and Louis feels a pang of remorse for him.  
   
 "Was there something I could help you with?" Lou asks kindly.  
   
 "Oh. I- yes that would be great if you could" The boy says enthusiastically, shuffling forward, closer to Louis as Patricia walks up, standing next to Louis to see what's going on. "You see I’m- I’m looking for a boy?" The end of his sentence tilts up, as if he's asking Louis and Patricia the question.  
   
 "He's- you see, I um- well that's not important. But um, I believe his name is Zayn? Zayn Malik?" The boy says Zayn's name with a slight lisp, sounding like he has a permanently blocked nose. He speaks quite rapidly too, his hands shaking slightly with the papers.  
   
 "Oh, love- you're fresh out of luck" Patricia sympathises. "We only just came back from dropping him off at the train station. He's going to London." She adds proudly.  
   
 The boy looks genuinely so lost at these words that Louis almost feels like bursting into hysterical tears.  
   
 "Was it something important?" Louis frowned slightly.  
   
 "Oh no- no, not at all. I just- well I used to play peewee soccer with him. I just thought we were due in for a catch up. My name's Liam by the way. Liam Payne" Liam adds quickly.  
   
 "I didn't know Zayn used to play soccer, let alone pee wee" Louis frowns slightly. His mind flashes back to the night of Niall leaving, Zayn sleeping, Louis finding the pictures and audiotapes. He feels himself pale as he stares at this nervous, mousy looking boy. Liam. Zayn had never even so much as mentioned a Liam before. But- if he was on the same soccer team as Zayn, does that mean that what happened to Zayn, happened to Liam too?  
   
 "I'll tell him you stopped by," Patricia offers, with a bright smile. Liam smiles back, although it doesn't reach his eyes.  
   
 ""Did you maybe need a lift back?" Louis offers impulsively. "I mean, I don't see a car here, and I’d hate for you to have to walk, or hitch a ride."  
   
 "My truck did break down" Liam nods solemnly, thinking it over for a second before nodding. "Sure. Thank you, I’d really appreciate that."

  
   
 _**zayn**_

  
   
 "I told you you have t'be careful. This is London, mate. Not a small, shit town" Niall sighs, throwing a few condoms at Zayn lazily. "You have to make sure to use those. Always. You could get really sick, ya hear?"  
   
 Zayn is barely paying attention as he turns the small foil square wrapped around in his hand. He's never really used it before.  
   
 "Also, hey I uh. I mean, I could get you another job. If- you wanted? Something more... Safe." Niall finishes unsurely. Zayn doesn't even look up. Niall sighs.  
   
 "What?" Zayn asks, finally looking up to meet Niall's green eyes. Niall lives in a piece of shit apartment, just above a train line, which means it's always noisy, and smells like the sewer. But it's his own place, and he let's Zayn stay with him and helps him out when he needs it, which is nearly all the time.  
   
 "Nothin'. Yer not interested in it, its fine." Niall lets out a small laugh, although his eyes are wide and sad.  
   
 "No, no it sounds cool- tell me more then." Zayn encourages, straightening his body from where its been sagged against his mattress for the last hour.  
   
 "It's- I mean it's not great. It's minimum wage- but I reckon you'd be good at it. And if - if it stopped you from being on the streets every night." Niall shrugged to Zayn, trying to seem casual even though Zayn can see right through it. Niall has been Zayn's friend for a really long time. Never once has Niall asked of much, or annoyed Zayn. He's let the boy be. He's even helped him out of tough spots, and for that Zayn owes him everything.  
   
 "I'll check it out then, yeah? Can't be too bad" Zayn grins slowly at Niall who's face utterly lights up in return. Niall bounces off the bed excitedly, stuffing a piece of bread into his mouth,  
   
 "Oh by the way, that come for you" Niall says through his mouth of chewed up bread. Zayn makes a small disgusted face at the Irish man before following his gaze to where Niall is pointing at a brown envelope with messy, loop handwriting on it. Zayn swipes it up, reading it quickly, feeling his own body now light up.  
   
 "Who's it from?" Niall asks curiously, having finally swallowed the bread.  
   
 "My mum" Zayn beams. "She's sent me a ticket, so I can come home for Christmas!"

* * *

  
 It's not that bad, working at a coffee place. His boss is lenient, although Zayn's never really had one before. Plus it's easy stuff. Stuff Zayn can do and doesn't feel unsafe or scared to do.  
   
 It's while he's on his last shift, just before he's about to leave to go back to his mum's. That's when it happens again. It had all been going so well, too. Zayn hadn't felt the need to be out on the streets or charge people for sex with him it was a comfort and luxury he never knew he could have.  
   
 Of course that’s when a black, sleek, shiny car pulls up beside him. Inside the man can't be older then 30. He's muscular, like extremely muscular, and he's balding slightly. During the car ride over to his place he grits his teeth together, loudly, numerous times.  
   
 Zayn doesn't like this. This isn't how he remembers it being.  
   
 "Strip." The man orders as he pushes the door open to his flat, slamming it closed loudly behind them. Zayn sighs inwardly but tugs up his shirt, throwing it on the ground. The man turns for a second and Zayn feels himself swallow hard, shivering although it's not even cold.  
   
 "Do it." The man snaps, thrusting forward a small white powder up to Zayn's nose. Zayn is familiar with drugs, but never once has he really been a fan of doing them while with a customer. The man looks so crazy and violent that Zayn merely lowers his head and inhales, his nose tickling. "Again." The man orders. Zayn obeys, feeling light headed, like he's looking through a broken kaleidoscope. Suddenly he's shoved onto the bed violently. Zayn feels like he can't breathe  
   
 "You're going to suck me off like the slut you are. Fucking understand?" The man hisses, grabbing at Zayn's mouth, pulling it open. Zayn lets out a small cry, trying to twist his head away. He scrambles back, gasping.  
   
 "Wait! Wait I just. I gotta - I gotta take a piss,” Zayn says incoherently, already running towards the bathroom where the man is following. Zayn locks the door then leans back against it, letting out a scared breath. Shit, shit shit shitshitshitshit. What would he do now?  
   
 He hears something snap, Zayn turns to face the small creaky, rotting door just as the deadbolts snaps in half. Zayn lets out a small cry of surprise as the man barrels in through the broken door, grabbing Zayn tightly by the throat. Zayn's dimly aware of hitting a hard cold surface, and when he looks up he's facing a shower head as the man tugs down his trousers. Zayn' head is throbbing and he's panting, trying to breathe and push the man off off off and away.  
   
 In all of this, in all this time. Zayn's never felt so dirty in his life. He tries to grab out for something as the man pushes in, causing Zayn to let out a sob. The man has picked up something hard and big and is hitting Zayn over and over and over the head again. Zayn doesn't know where the tears starts and the blood ends and all of his life all he's wanted is to feel something. All his life, Zayn has felt numb and broken.  
   
 And now it's like a burst and Zayn can feel everything. Can feel every man, every touch, and every hit. Every inch of pain. Just as the man climaxes in Zayn he squeezes too hard on Zayn's windpipe, knocking Zayn unconscious.  
   
   
   
   
 

 


	3. part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME?!" Liam screams.   
> "When i was 8 Ruth found me in the attic, with a bloody nose and shaking and in my peewee soccer uniform. What happened to me? What happened to me that summer dad?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the next part, will be the last part. I really hope this starts to make sense? Sometimes when i write it makes sense to me, but nobody else x)

** _Liam_ **

  
Louis was actually a really decent guy. After Louis dropped him back at Liam’s place, the two fell into a friendship, after learning they were both heading to the same college soon.

 

Louis was funny, and modest, and charmed people into giving him free food. Even though Liam was nothing like Louis, being shy and timid and gawky, while Louis was loud and exuberant, Louis never got bored of Liam and Liam found himself able to talk to Louis, and although Louis sometimes poked fun, he also knew when to take it seriously, and for that Liam was appreciative- he knew he wasn't the most normal boy out, but he liked being able to be who he wanted at least around Louis without being teased.

  
Harry comes by on a Sunday. It's a week before Liam's birthday and Liam is surprised, he hasn't seen the curly haired boy since the dead cow, knowing it had freaked Harry out.

  
"Liam. Er. This uh- Harry boy is here to see you." His mum sounds at his doorway, obviously sounding displeased.

 

Harry is bouncing behind her and beams as he strides into Liam's room. It's only a bit bigger then Harry's, and while Harry's and even Louis' has personal belongings and creations in there- Liam's is crisp and neat and clean. Louis doesn't like hanging out there with Liam because he says it 'gives me the jeebies'.

  
"Liam!" Harry says jovially, as the pair both wait for Liam's mother's footsteps to finish traipsing down the stairs and back to the kitchen.

  
"Hey! I just- i wanted to see how you were doing" Harry says, looking worried out of his mind. Liam feels a pang of guilt and nods, patting the small square of mattress next to him on his bed. Harry walks over, sitting down and immediately turning to face Liam, still with that immense look of worry on his face.

  
"You just. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I wanted to apologise for bringing you out there, you know? I shouldn't have done that." 

  
"No- no." Liam stutters. "I'm glad you did. Really" He adds when Harry continues to look doubtful.

  
"But did you find the boy? Zayn? The one from your dreams?" Harry's talking more quietly now, just in case Liam's mother hears. Liam hesitates slightly before answering, not liking that he had wasted Harry's time when he had helped Liam research and find him.

  
"I did. But his mum told me i had just missed him. Apparently he's over in London now." Liam sighed. Harry places a giant hand on Liam's upper thigh, rubbing it gently.

  
"I'm sorry, Liam" He says softly, and suddenly he's leaning forward, closing off the gap between them two and his lips are touching Liam's.

  
Liam doesn't like this. It feels familiar and disgusting; he gasps and pushes back from Harry, falling off the bed.

  
"What? Didn't it feel good?" Harry asks, looking upset and concerned at Liam's response. Those words repeat over and over and over in Liam's head until it's all he can see and breathe and taste-

  
_"Didn't that feel good sport?"_

  
_"Tell him it felt good"_   Younger Zayn encourages him from where he lay next to Liam on the floor.

  
Liam lets out a small cry, squeezing his eyes closed, trying to get the images out.

 

"Liam?!" Harry calls, sounding far away.

  
"Go." Liam grits out, tasting his own tears as he tries to level himself.

  
"I think you should leave, Harry."

* * *

 

 

"So, good birthday? You're pretty much a grandpa now." Louis says as he drives the both of them to a slow halt in front of Liam's dark house. Liam lets out a hysterical giggle from where he's been half dozing in the passenger seat of Louis' car.

  
"Best birthday ever Lou Lou" He slurs, causing Louis to grin brightly. Liam peels his eyes open, blinking and yawning slowly, like a cat.

  
"Ohhh i think I’m drunk Lou" Liam murmurs, causing Louis to laugh.

  
"Sure are, mate. You sure your mum's out?" Louis frowns, peering ahead to where Liam's porch is, a small light having just flickered on.

  
"Yeahhh why?" Liam asks, leaning closer to Louis to try and get a look. "Oh that's just a sensor light, it's probably just a rabbit or penguin or one of my turtles coming to say hi or something" Liam giggles uncontrollably once more, thinking of his turtle ambling out to wave at them.

  
Louis continues to stare.

  
"Or it could be a man? And by that i mean, there's a guy standing there on your porch." Louis answers, unbuckling the pair of them. Liam straightens, feeling much more sober suddenly as he pulls the rickety passenger door open, Louis following suit.

"Oh. That's my dad." Liam says, his voice sounding high pitched, even to himself. No, no, Liam doesn't want his dad here. Not when Liam's had so much fun and such a good night. Liam feels as if he's been doused into cold water and he does not like this.

  
"Oh." Louis says softly from behind Liam. Louis hovers by his car as Liam slowly walks up to the porch, feeling his heart hammering. 

  
"Dad what're you doing here?" Liam asks, noting that he sounds loud and foolish. Liam's dad turns around in surprise, noticing Liam there now from where he'd been trying to peer into the windows.

  
"Liam! Your mum said you might be out" Liam's dad, Geoff, speaks, politely nodding over to where Louis stands, looking awkward and unsure.

  
"Yeah. But why are you _here?"_ Liam repeats, emphasizing on the last word.

 

His dad looks almost exactly the same as Liam remembers, except instead of looking business like and tired and stressed like Liam's mum now always looks, Geoff looks content and healthy. This angers Liam.

  
"Well i mean, i tried to call you. I just wanted to give my son a birthday present" Geoff laughs slightly, trying to play off Liam's behaviour as if it's embarrassing.

 

This angers Liam more.

 

Liam for the first time notices something small and square in his dad's hands. It's wrapped with a little bow on it. Liam wants to throw it against a wall and see it break into tiny shards.

  
"I know" Liam says, blinking because he has just forgotten what Geoff had even said.

  
"You weren't returning my calls" Geoff says softly, causing Liam to let out a bark of laughter.

  
"Maybe- maybe because i don't want you here dad."

  
"Liam, come on now. I drove all this way." His dad makes a small annoyed sound.

  
"Well i didn't ask you to!" Liam shouts into the dark silence. There's a long pause before his dad speaks again.

  
"You're drunk" He states. "What happened to you?" he looks over Liam's shoulder to Louis who is determinedly looking anywhere but at the pair now.

 

Liam feels something in his chest snap. He tries to laugh again but it sounds like a sob.

  
"You tell me, dad!" He yells. "Tell me! Huh? What happened to me? What happened to me, dad?" he can feel his chest heaving and his throat breaking from unshed tears.

  
"I don't know what you're talking about" Geoff says, looking appalled at Liam's behaviour.

  
 _"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME?!"_ Liam screams. "When i was 8 Ruth found me in the attic, with a bloody nose and shaking and in my peewee soccer uniform. What happened to me? What happened to me that summer dad?" Liam's hiccupping with sobs, unable to breathe the words out. He points his arm out blindly.

  
"I used to scream! I used to cry, and pass out. I forgot things, i had nightmares, i fucking wet the bed, and you _NEVER ASKED ME WHY_ " Liam can't breathe, he's suffocating from how hard he's crying, his chest hurting.

  
"What the fuck happened to me that summer dad? What happened to me? _Why can't i remember?!"_ Liam's head is pounding from yelling, and possibly from drinking so much.

  
There's another silence, this one even longer then the last one. The only sound is of the fierce wind and Liam's small hiccups and sobs, his heavy breathing. Geoff stands there, stunned into silence.

 

Finally, Geoff shakes his head, pushing past Liam and opening the door to his truck. Liam squeezes his eyes closed.

  
"I don't know what you're talking about, Liam." Geoff says quietly, the roar of the engine of his truck almost drowning out the words as he drives off, once more, without a single look back.  


  
**_ zayn _ **

  
That night Zayn managed to push open the door the dingy flat, relieved to hear Niall snoring away across the small room. Zayn pushed the door closed quietly, walking over to the bathroom and shutting the door with a small creak.

  
He avoids looking at the mirror. Instead he strips off his clothes gingerly. They're drenched, and Zayn knows it’s from his own blood. His lower back and arse are in the worst pain and he's shivering, naked in the bathroom when he catches sight of himself.

  
His right eye is completely swollen shut and purple. His jaw is littered in bruises and love bites alike. Zayn looks away, feeling fresh tears bite at him. With a groan, he pushes himself, naked, on the cold, dirty tiled ground, closing his eyes and drawing his knees up to his chest. He wraps his arms around his knees tightly, scared that if he lets go, he'll fall apart, into tiny little pieces that can never be put back together again.

 

* * *

 

  
When Niall sees him the next day, Zayn covers the most of the bruises and scarring, having cleaned himself thoroughly, washing away all the blood- passing it off to look better then it was. He tells Niall he got robbed. Niall doesn't believe him.

  
"You're my best friend, you know," Zayn croaks out a couple of days later to Niall who's making them both cups of tea.

  
"I know" He hears Niall reply.

  
"You just. You know everything about me. You're the only person. The only person i ever told all that stuff to. When we were 8, you remember that Halloween? The one, with- with the fireworks?" Zayn lets out a shaky breath; Niall seems to be holding his own because never once has Zayn talked like this before.

 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about that. I don't know why i- i did it, you know? I guess, i mean, the- coach, brad? He always made me feel special. Like his... His prized selection. Sure, there were other boys he had. But- but he never kept them around. He loved me." Zayn's almost talking to himself now; he can't even be sure that he is actually talking or even awake right now. Everything feels hazy and fake, as if Zayn's watching himself from outside his body.

"And after that kid... After the fireworks hurt him. I just- i wanted to make him feel special too you know? Because, i- i thought that's how you do it. I was just sorry, but i didn't know how to say it. I wanted to make him feel good. But- but i think i made it worse."

 

Zayn's voice cracks and he feels Niall's calloused hand wrap around his own, the sound of two cups being set aside. Zayn looks up at Niall's clear bluish green eyes and swallows hard. In Niall's eyes, Zayn can read the years of remorse and sadness.

  
"He loved me, didn't he?" Zayn says softly, causing Niall to blink in surprise. He needs that; he just needs to know that everything about his life hasn't been a lie.

 

"Coach. Brad- he- he loved me, right?" Niall looks away, a tiny clear tear falling down his cheek. Niall sniffs, looking back up at Zayn with a bright smile on his face.

  
"Yeah, Zayn. Yeah, course he did."

* * *

 

 

When Zayn catches the train back to see his mum, he finds himself glancing down at the letter in his hand- he had been unaware he had been clutching it so tightly.

 

It's from Louis. Dated a few weeks back, Niall had forgotten to mention the letter to Zayn, only remembering two days ago with a smack to his forehead. 

  
Zayn hadn't been sure whether he had wanted to open it. But looking at the familiar handwriting carved onto the envelope, he can't help himself.

  
A thin sheet of scrawl falls out as he tears the envelope open, hunched over on one train seat, with his hood on, his feet on the seat opposite him, and his bags on the seat next to him, so nobody will feel inclined to sitting next to him.

  
 _"Zayn,_  
you haven't written, you bastard- but i guess that's expected.  
So i guess I’ll just write you. You haven't missed much. Your mum seems to really miss you, she scrambled up all the money she could to have you back home for Christmas.  
Speaking of home, you'll never guess the craziest thing. Like, the day your mum and i dropped you off at the station, we came back to find a socially awkward, possibly asexual boy sitting on your porch. Turns out his name is Liam and he used to play peewee soccer with you, which i didn't even knew you used to play, but that's adorable. Anyways, he's actually really awesome, and apparently you two haven't seen each other in like, nearly 10 years now. He goes to the same college as me! But want to hear the craziest part?  
Apparently he came hunting you down because he thinks when you were both, like, 8 years old, you were abducted by aliens.  
Wacky, huh?  
So i guess that’s it, that’s what you missed, so i guess I’ll be seeing you when you get back here, you wanker.  
Love, Louis.  
P. S has the crabs gone away?"

 _  
_Zayn can feel a faint smile on his lips that only Louis' ramblings could bring, however as he reads it a second, then third time he feels his heart turn into a stone at the bottom of his stomach.  
 _Liam. Peewee soccer._ The only thing Zayn doesn't understand is the alien mumbo jumbo. But why is he here? Why now? What does he want to talk about?

  
Zayn shakes his head at himself, clearing the thoughts before shuffling down; to get more comfortable in the hard, poorly cushioned metal train chair, and falling asleep.

 

**_ Louis _ **

  
Liam and Louis never talked about what happened the night of Liam's birthday. Liam seemed content going on with his life, and Louis hated to piss on people's parties.

 

The day arrived, Christmas Eve, where it was known that Zayn Malik was coming home for the break. If anybody was more excited than Zayn's mum, Patricia, it would probably be Liam. The boy woke up at Louis' house, after crashing there from an intense study session where Louis implanted the periodic table into his brain (not really, he's not an alien, unlike what Liam thinks), at 6 am. It was a Sunday, they didn't have college, but still he woke up bright and early and changed his outfit ten times, finally rustling Louis awake too and asking if his outfit was okay.

 

Everything Liam wore look the same, but the boy was so nervous that his hands were shaking, keeping him from buttoning up the shirt.

  
It took Liam another hour to do his hair, while Louis tiredly brushed his teeth and showered, until Liam was pounding on the door for both of them to go.

  
After bustling into Louis' car, Liam seemed to relax slightly.

  
"You ready?" Louis asked, stifling a small yawn and blinking blearily at the time displayed on the radio. 9:30. Great. Liam nodded, looking awkward and twitchy as usual again.

  
"Hey, he's gonna like you, okay? Stop freaking yourself out." Louis instructs kindly, managing to start the car despite all the frost. This does little to calm Liam's nerves, by the time they end up at the Malik’s house, Liam is a greenish colour and looks near to passing out. Louis squeezes his hand encouragingly, opening the car door and bounding out, wrapped in his winter gear. Liam trails behind him as they knock on the door. Patricia opens it, the house smelling of fresh cookies and tinsel, and just Christmas. She smiles at the boys, ushering them both inside into the warmth.

  
"Oh boys you came!" Patricia beams, Louis nods, grinning right back.

  
"You remember Liam?" Louis points to Liam who's standing behind him, staring down at the ground. Patricia smiles,

  
"Of course i do!"

  
"Uh, we were just wondering actually if Zayn was back." Louis adds hastily.

 

At once, Patricia's smile falters.

  
"I was going to call you both about that." She says regretfully, Louis can practically hear Liam's neck snap up.

 

"You see, Zayn isn't well at the moment. He- he got mugged, while he was out late in London" Louis feels his eyes widen in shock. Mugged? But Zayn didn't have much money to be mugged of anyways- oh. It appeared to Louis that mugged was the friendly term Zayn was using to explain what really happened.

  
"You can go up and see him if you boys would like, but he's resting at the moment" Patricia adds sympathetically.

  
All three of them jump slightly in shock as they hear a creak in the staircase. They look up to see Zayn descending the stairs. Louis inwardly winces. Zayn looks awful, just looking at him Louis feels slightly sick. Instead, Louis manages a small smile.

  
"Zayn!" He welcomes, although Zayn's eyes appear on nobody else except for Liam, who seems to have forgotten how to breathe.

  
"You bring your car?" Zayn replies with, ignoring the greeting. Louis opens and closes his mouth for a second.

  
"Uh- i- yeah. Yes." He quickly stammers out. Zayn holds his hand out, and due to it being Zayn, Louis has no hesitation about handing the keys to him, struggling them out of his coat pocket.

 

Zayn cocks his head to the side at Liam before meeting Louis' eyes for the first time. Louis feels his eyebrows knit together, because Zayn had always thought of himself as invincible, and tough. But now in his eyes, it looks as if he's gotten tough, but also weaker at the same time. Louis isn't quite sure what to say.

  
"We'll be back in an hour." Zayn speaks into the silence, drawing his eyes away from Louis slowly. Patricia doesn't seem to object, looking confused by the entire confrontation. Louis turns, just to see Zayn stalking outside; Liam timidly walking after him, back hunched and hands in pockets.

 


	4. chapter 4: the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What happened to him?" Liam manages to ask.
> 
> "I don't know," Zayn admits. "After that summer he just.... Disappeared. I don't even know if he's still alive"
> 
> That sparks something in Liam, he feels more alert suddenly- turning to Zayn, to face him, still clutching his hand tightly.
> 
> "Tell me everything you can."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this took so so long and i'd like to thank ayaka who kept sending me messages, encouraging me, even though we don't know each other- it was a real booster, so this chapter is for you, and i apologise profusely for how long this took.

_**Liam** _

_**  
**_The car ride is uneventful, the road is bumpy and LIam can hear gravel crunching under the tyre's of Louis' car. Liam doesn't know why, but he's intimidated by Zayn- his eyes are dark, as dark as his black hair, and they showed hardly any emotions. There are bruises littering his face and jaw- purple and yellowing over the days, yet still looking painful and as fresh as yesterday. Liam swallows- unsure of if he should say something, but Zayn seems completely content with sitting there, driving, his arm dangling out the open driver's window, a lit cigarette in his hand that he every now and then takes a drag out of.

He's mesmerizing.

Liam almost jumps as the car slowly comes to a halt- he had been so busy looking at Zayn that he hadn't even realised where the two boys were driving to- by now the sun had set- purple streaks covering the sky- this was always Liam's favourite time of the day. Liam squints, looking out the window and feels himself freeze slightly. He knows this place- well, he recognises it. It's a caravan, parked on a bed of gravel- distantly Liam can just make out the football field. He's been here before, to this caravan- but he can't remember who used to bring him here.  Zayn is already unbuckling, excitement and eagerness passing on his face briefly as he jumps out of the rusty car.  Liam hesitates briefly before following.

"I-" Liam's voice comes out squeaky, he clears it quickly, following Zayn as they round the corner of the caravan, staring at the crooked entrance door that's firmly bolted locked. "I know this place" Liam says in an almost whisper. Zayn flashes Liam a quick grin as he begins to walk around the outside of the caravan, mapping it out. Liam once again, follows. 

"Yeah. No one's home." Zayn mutters after glancing through a small crack in the window that the curtain doesn't hide. Liam furrows his brow, he's not sure as to why Zayn brought him here, but he feels dizzy and nauseous with his thoughts running inside his head. 

"Come on, we can get in through here." Liam is distantly aware of Zayn saying, already hositing himself up on the window edge, having managed to push the window to the caravan open. Liam doesn't even hesitate this time, numbly walking over and watching Zayn's body disappear into the darkness of the inside of the caravan. Liam hoists himself up too clumsily, not nearly as gracefully and practiced at this as Zayn is. He pulled himself over the ledge, falling with a huge thump on the floor. The floor is carpeted- it smells familiar, too familiar. Sickly. Liam whimpers, scrambling up onto his feet quickly, blinking rapidly as he fixes his glasses onto the bridge of his nose once more. 

"You- you were the best player on the team." Liam says slowly, a sudden memory hitting him like a wall of bricks. Zayn is looking around, opening some cupboards in the small kitchenette.  

"That's what he always told me" Zayn agree's.

Liam doesn't need to ask whom 'he' is. He can feel his stomach turning and slowly gazes around the cramped caravan himself- Zayn's flicked on some lights, making himself at home as if he lives here. Liam comes to the realisation that when they were younger, both him and Zayn practically did.

Liam walks over to a old light box, flicking the switch on the side. A bright blue light shoots up onto the small rumpus room where, Liam now realises, is where he and Zayn had arrived from. 

" _Be a good boy now, Liam, see- like how Zayn is?"_

Liam blinks furiously, trying to burn the image out of his mind, he fumbles with the switch, turning the light off quickly.

"You remember that? You used to just stare at it for hours" Zayn said, lounging on the small, ratty couch in the rumpus room, nodding towards the small light box. Liam numbly nods slowly, feeling himself falling. 

"So why now?" Zayn adds, his eyes look honest, open. "Why did you seek me out now?"

It's a good question, one Liam isn't sure of the answer himself. All the puzzle pieces in his mind are only just starting to connect. 

"I'm just... Tired of it" Liam sighs, feeling a weight being lifted off his shoulders slightly. Zayn cocks an eyebrow up, looking at Liam slowly before gesturing for him to sit on the ratty couch beside himself. Liam hoists himself up, pulling his gaze from the light box and sitting next to Zayn- unlike Zayn he is tense, not relaxed and lounged out. 

"I want to dream about something else for a change" Liam says raw- brutally honest, closing his eyes slowly, feeling Zayn's eyes piercing his skin. 

There's a small pause of silence, outside Liam and Zayn hear footsteps, but neither of them make a motion to move. This is the most relaxed Liam has felt in years, strangely enough.  Liam can faintly hear the lyrics of 'merry christmas to you' being sung by children. Carolers. Liam feels the urge to tell them to run, to go to the safety of their homes and never ever leave. 

"This is his place isn't it?" Liam quietly asks. Zayn says nothing- knowing he doesn't have to verbally confirm it for Liam.

"You know, it took me actually seeing your face again, now- today, in order to properly recognise you." Zayn says, his voice rough and low. "When Lou wrote about you- i could only get the smallest, haziest image in my head."

"Same here" Liam agreed, concentrating more on the last verse the children were caroling to a nearby home.

"But seeing you. In this room." Zayn shakes his head, Liam's eyes flicker open once more. 

"I feel like he's watching us" Zayn breathes, and suddenly he's gripping Liam's hand with his own. Liam hadn't realised he was shaking. Zayn's hand is soft, warm, comforting, it helps Liam try to level himself.

"What happened to him?" Liam manages to ask.

"I don't know," Zayn admits. "After that summer he just.... Disappeared. I don't even know if he's still alive"

That sparks something in Liam, he feels more alert suddenly- turning to Zayn, to face him, still clutching his hand tightly.

"Tell me everything you can."

Zayn holds LIam's gaze for a long moment, Liam can't believe he ever found this boy intimidating, not when he see's in Zayn what he always see's when he looks into his mirror reflection.  

"I was his favourite" Zayn finally says. "Out of everyone- he picked me. It sounds weird, but i was just- i felt honoured. Like it was some medal, or prize to have. He had all these cool video games, and he let me eat whatever i wanted, and do what i wanted. Right there, in that kitchenette- that's where it first happened for me. It was just me and him. That entire summer. 

"One time, during a game, you were sitting on the bench and it started to rain. It was just a drizzle at first, but then it started to get heavy and the umpire had to call the game off.  You sat there, nobody picked you up."

"My mum was working," Liam recalls slowly, "And my dad..." Liam racks his brain but for the life of him he can't remember. "I- i remember. Everybody was leaving with their parents and you walked over to me, coach behind you and you- you said-"

"We'll take you home." Zayn whispers, sounding horrified. LIam closes his eyes, tightening his grip on Zayn's hand.

"Go on," Liam whispers fiercely. "Don't stop until you've told me everything"

"He brought both of us here." Zayn says.

_"It's okay Liam, we're just going to have some fun- you, me and Zayn- doesn't that sound nice?"_

_  
_"He um, he wouldn't bring you into the bedroom because that was just for me and him, so he- we- did it here." Liam makes out Zayn swallowing loudly.

Liam remembers, he can feels his entire core shaking, a bead of sweat rolling down his back. The beginning of a headache starting to blossom in his head.

"Anytime Coach wanted you- he used me as a prop, somebody to pull you in with. He'd take off all my clothes and then it was up to me- it was my job to make it look fun- like, some really cool game." Zayn's voice breaks slightly, Liam pretends not to notice. 

"So we took off your clothes. And you made, like, this puppy whimpering noise which Coach just loved." Zayn swallows thickly, "He went down on you, i remember- you had your eyes screwed shut but then they flickered open and they were all glassy and faraway. And that was when i leaned in closer to you and i whispered-"

" _Tell him you like it- tell him you think it's fun"_

_  
_"Then- we're almost finished- then, he showed us how to- you know fisting? He showed us how to do that, and then, then he tried doing it to you and you were just silent the entire time even though- i mean- i think you were bleeding. Down... there" Zayn says in an almost vague voice.

"That was it. That was everything, then we drove you back home." Zayn finishes quickly. There's a silence for a beat, Liam can make out footsteps coming closer- the carolers are approaching their caravan finally, which Liam is glad for because right now the only noise is Zayn and Liam's harsh, laboured breathing in the dim lighted room. 

" But my nose- my nose was bleeding. " Liam said, feeling like all of his senses and body were reacting in slow motion.

"I don't think anybody's home" An elder female says outside the entrance of the caravan to the carolers. 

"Oh." Zayn screws up his face as if hoping Liam wouldn't have asked this. "Right. I mean, well when we got you dressed and you stood up- your entire face was just... Blank. Like you had been erased.  Like you were empty inside. And then you just fell. Face forward, onto the floor. And when you stood back up, your nose was bleeding."

"Wait ssh, i can hear someone!" A little girl's voice sounds from outside, excitedly.

Liam feels himself break- why him? Why had this happened to him? He didn't understand what he could have done to deserve such an awful thing, to deserve not being able to close his eyes at night. To be looked at like he was retarded just because of something that had happened to him- something he couldn't control. It wasn't fair, it wasn't _fair_.

"My nose bled?" Liam says, his voice sharp and angry, laced with sobs, "Like this?" Liam almost yells, and he's scratching at his nose, wanting to feel something- wanting to release his anger and just forget that this happened, forever, " _like this?!"_ Liam repeated, scratching fiercely, feeling blood drip down his fingers from his blunt fingernails. Zayn's pulling at Liam's arm, pulling Liam towards him, and Liam always wants to shove him off, to yell at throw things but he lets Zayn envelop him into a tight hug, bounding Liam's arms to his side as Liam hiccups out sobs, his head pounding loudly.

Outside, the carolers began to sing Silent Night.

* * *

_**zayn** _

_**  
**_Zayn held Liam tightly, his entire body shaking uncontrollably, guilt swallowing Zayn up whole for what he had done, what he had said, for what he was.

Zayn wanted to put into words that he was sorry to the boy who had looked just like Liam freaking Payne and he had put firecrackers in his mouth as a warning, almost to say _mine_ about Coach. But that wasn't fair- that boy hadn't been Liam, he had been innocent, just like Zayn had once been. Just like Liam had been. and it was a spiral, a ripple effect- because when something unjust happens, you want to show someone, to tell someone- even if you don't know how to.

Zayn pressed his lips to Liam's forehead, to his neck, to his cheeks, to the shell of his ear, and then Liam was pulling up, his face tear streaked and pressing his lips desperately to Zayn's for some reassurance and comfort and Zayn wanted to give it to him, he wanted to be selfish and have Liam even though Liam was not his and Liam was so, so much better of a person then Zayn was and ever could wish to be.

And as they sat there listening to the carolers,  Zayn wanted to tell Liam  it was over now and everything would be okay. But that was a lie, plus, Zayn couldn't speak anyway, couldn't find the words, or the thoughts.

Zayn wished there was some way for them, for  _him,_ to go back and undo the past.

But there wasn't.

There was nothing they or he could do.

So Zayn just stayed silent and trying to telepathically communicate... how sorry he was about what had happened.

And he thought of all the grief and sadness... and fucked up suffering in the world... and it made him want to escape. Zayn wished with all his  heart that they could just... Ieave this world behind.

Rise like two angels in the night and magically... disappear.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ta da, finally finished. hope it was worth it, ill be starting a new os or fic soon, so leave your thoughts and such because words may hurt, but sometimes silence can kill .


End file.
